Nope to Oh Yes! Learning to Love me

 Learning to embrace my new job, and to that end my new work wardrobe, was difficult; but as it had logical application, I could get behind the idea of looking like a poster child for L.L. Bean's fall line from the '80s (which could also be the fall line for 2021, more on that later). 

Yeah, they still sell those patterns

But when I'm not at work, covered in.... you may not actually want to know what grossness I end up interacting with, pick something editable and make it sticky. When I'm home, I have two full days and a handful of afternoons to feel like me. And after looking at my closet. I couldn't actually tell you who what was. 

Through a series of strange whatever 18 months ago I had a preschool teacher inclined wardrobe - dresses that washed well (lots of fast fashion), cute shoes, you know dressy but fun because of the little humans I worked with. Then the world - for me - ended, I lost my job, moved back home with my father, and because of COVID I had my life packed into boxes for about 8 months (March of last year to late October). So my wardrobe was work and a pair of shorts that were getting too big to wear to work. November 2020 saw a change in my living environment and all the boxes came out. All the clothing that I hadn't worn in months. There wasn't any room for most of the clothes in my closet, and I wasn't sure I wanted to keep all of them. So they sat in boxes - still. It's been a year and my clothing from my "old" life is still inboxes. Two weeks, from now, I'm purging; and joy of joys reader, you get to go on the little adventure with me. 

Okay, so what are you wearing in the meantime?

Well, I started with black, lots of black, and a smidge of navy blue and white. Felt dull. I slowly unpacked my jewelry, makeup, and accessories. I looked at my work wardrobe and really studied the colors I already had in my closet and thought about what brought me joy. 

Purple. I freakin' love purple, particularly a deep plum or a lilac (get it, Lilac Flannel blog.... I'm hysterical). I started making an effort to inundate my wardrobe with purple. Head to toe, from what you see when I'm out and about to what you won't see when I'm home. I was feeling it. All of a sudden it wasn't enough to just "change my clothes" from work to home; I needed to change my environment. Work is harsh lighting, cold, humid, and muddy. Home needed to be the opposite. But my husband likes dark geometric furniture that features a large number of 90-degree angles. My living room is rift with black/brown finished squares and rectangles. Very masculine, and for a shared space I can dig it. 

Lego Tower of Orthanc, check.

My section of our shared office needed to be me; and apparently, that meant gold, white, some funky angles, and you guessed it, purple. I stocked up on purple and gold pens. Bought a white desk with gold "hairpin" legs. Made a portable purple and gold workstation. ROYGBIV'd my marker collection. In this little part of the world I felt permission to love who I was and whomever I was becoming. 

Green chair aside, the space is feminine and truly all mine.

The Home Edit ladies would be proud

Then I discovered this cool print called, floral. Apparently, people have been wearing it for centuries now but I'm only just getting around to it. Add some polka-dots and I am now one happy camper. I had to give myself permission, for whatever reason, to love who I was and what I liked. It didn't matter that I had people in my life who thought spending time thinking about clothing was a waste or that when I tried out a new trend people who "knew" me thought I was being silly and needed to stop because "I wasn't that kind of girl". I am actually. I wear bracelets at any opportunity I can. I have enough sunglasses for every day of the week. I have this super cute flower hair clip that I wear to work. I have a kimono, two actually. 

The flower just makes my day.

Between the exceptionally kind and patient employees at Ulta and reaching out to a friend to try color street. I've built up my self-sense of femininity. I can do my nails and makeup with confidence. It helps that I'm still making baby steps - ColorStreet is nail polish stickers which takes me about 15 mins to do my manicure and no worry about smudges or dents; I'm wearing bare minerals with a mask, so my slightly more even-toned forehead and minimal mascara look is going great. 

Lastly, I ripped off the band-aid, or as my husband said "hit a button", and subscribed to FabFitFun. Sure each box has come with a lemon or two (looking at you purple cactus cup) but it has also come with more trendy items - makeup, accessories, skincare, and home items - that I would have otherwise would have never tried. I got my kimono from them and absolutely love twirling around in it. It's taken me about two months to get the courage to wear it outside of the house but I can still feel cute romping around in it at home. If you have never tried FabFitFun, get $10 off your first seasonal box! 

Totally not what I usually wear but I absolutely love it!

Moral of the story: just because it feels superfluous doesn't mean it can't bring you joy. So wear what makes you happy, joyful, and brings out your smile. Have cookies and coffee with a seemingly ridiculous teacup on a day off. If you like pink, for the love of whichever deity (if any) you subscribe to, revel in it.

I'm sorry to anyone who had to wait and turn 30 to figure out life is too important to give a shit about what anyone else thinks. I did and for a decade I really didn't like myself. I'm getting here. I'm learning to love who I am and what I like without apologizing for it. 

Until next week friend.